I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
