Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
