I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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