My friends, they love my intelligence
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
