How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just want nice things and good sex
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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