chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
