my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
