I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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