my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
