I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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