And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
