He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
