Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
