I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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