Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
