i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
