I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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