I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
