My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
