Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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