I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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