i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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