My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
