made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
