I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
