wrigley field is MILF paradise
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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