i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
