Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize