just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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