New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
