I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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