i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Randomize
