I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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