apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
