We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
