seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
