your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
