I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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