Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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