marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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