i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
