i really wish james franco would like my vagina
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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