if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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