By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
