apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
