he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
this is an emotional support booty call
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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