Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
