I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
