She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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