watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
