Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
